Greed is a funny thing isn’t it? It affects different people in different ways; some practice it for reasons of necessity and some are born to it, loving the thrill of greed. But however it affects you there are consequences, always consequences…
My own tale of greed and the affect it had on me begins with the box that I’d bought for a pittance from the old lady. Without the pleasure of haggling over the price, a very small outlay had secured her life’s treasures, mine for a mere trifle. Almost given away by her it seemed.
In the box, which was the sort of thing you’d find in any loft gathering dust, were the small things that we all collect over the years. A picture frame with a faded photograph in it, a comb and items of cheap costume jewellery. Memories to most, but to a collector like me simply items to be bought and sold. Another profit for Simon Throop, Purveyor of Rare and Fine Articles!
I had carefully removed all of the items from the box and have to admit to be somewhat surprised by the object stuck at the very bottom, an ornate lamp covered in a thick layer of grime and dust. Unlike the other items which had obviously been lavished with love and care over the years, the lamp had a battered and dented look about it almost as if someone had tried to smash it to pieces at some stage. Still what was damaged and dirty could be cleaned, and what was clean was generally profit for me. I slowly began to rub at the surface with a cloth and to my utter surprise uncovered a shiny gold surface under the grime. I rubbed harder.
‘And about time too!’ cried a distant voice which appeared to come from the lamp!
‘Who’s there?’ I shouted out as I looked over my shoulder half expecting to see some shady burglar creeping up on me from behind. ‘I’ve no money in the house if that’s what you’re after’.
‘Get a move on, slow coach, and rub that lamp a bit harder. My back is killing me stuck in here!’
Momentarily shocked to the core, I stopped my polishing and turned the lamp upside down to examine it under my desk light thinking that maybe I’d pressed a switch on a child’s cheap talking toy. Only by this time I must have rubbed the lamp too hard before putting down my duster as out of its spout bellowed a gush of brightly coloured gas, followed by an ear splitting bang and he appeared in front of me in a flash. A man! A very angry man who rather bizarrely was dressed in a track suit and dripping from ear to ear with gold jewellery!
‘Not before time eh? You certainly made me wait.’
The man sat down on the floor and beckoned me over to him, pushing his face close to mine.
‘Please put the lamp down, I don’t like having my house turned upside down you know.’
I placed the lamp on the floor, too shocked to argue with him.
‘Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?’ I yelled as I stumbled backwards.
‘Well I’m certainly not the tooth fairy, am I? And you’re not dreaming so just get on with it and make a wish. Pronto!’
‘A wish?’
The man let out a deep sigh, stood up and, floating a good three feet above the floor, spoke.
‘Look it’s simple. I’m a Genie. Okay?’
‘The hell you are!’ I challenged him. ‘You’re wearing a track suit and Mr T’s jewellery, for God’s sake.’
‘Look, cut the sarcasm Beaky and just make a wish. I’m in a hurry.’
By now the situation had become almost surreal and I started to giggle with maddening laughter, choking as I spoke.
‘A Genie in my house? I don’t believe it and one with attitude as well. Well stone me!’
Of course thinking back I now realise that it was at this point that I made my first mistake in dealing with him as suddenly a number of sharp stones materialized out of thin air from the ceiling and rained down causing me to yell out in pain as they struck my face and hands.
‘What the hell?’ I yelled, my face stinging with the sudden pain they’d caused. ‘That hurt!’
‘Right then,’ he laughed with heavy sarcasm in his voice. ‘One wish down and two more to go’
‘Hang on I didn’t wish for anything at all!’ I cried out to him as I picked a particularly sharp green stone out from my left ear. ‘So what brought that on?’
‘You did. Does the expression “stone me” ring any bells with you?’
I looked at him very carefully now realising that I’d have to be very careful, very careful indeed in how I now dealt with him and what I said to him for fear of receiving another unexpected wish.
‘Right then! Next wish please’ he calmly said, a cruel smile on his face.
By now I was beginning to regain some composure after the shock of the stone incident and felt that I could maybe turn this situation to my advantage. I would simply look on it as business and I always got my own way in business. No little man out of a lamp was going to beat me at my own game! I dusted myself down, carefully wiping any traces of sweat from my brow and looked at him.
‘Look before we go any further with this little game of yours I need to know something more about you and the lamp. Okay?’
‘Is that your next wish?’ he asked, his eyes starting to sparkle as a slightly disconcerting smile drifted across his face.’
‘NO!’ I screamed at him so loudly that I frightened myself, ‘I’ll let you know when it’s a wish.’
‘Fine,’ he laughed. ‘just don’t take too long eh?’
I felt reassurance flowing back into my body as I stood up to my full height, and stared straight at him, determined to get the better of him.
‘So Genie Of The Lamp. Tell me about yourself?’ adding quickly, ‘this is just a request for information you understand and not a wish.’
‘Look, its dead simple. Lamp. Genie. Genie. Lamp. You rub the lamp, big flash of smoke and I appear.’ I then grant you three wishes and that’s it. Its not rocket science. It’s M-A-G-I-C. Okay?’
I relaxed a little as an idea formed in my mind and I spoke to him slowly.
‘What say you give me another ten wishes then? As my second wish that is.’
‘Look here Throop, it doesn’t work like that. Its three wishes plain and simple. No funny business or I’m out of here. Okay?’ he croaked as he laughed at me.
‘Fine’ I replied somewhat deflated after our exchange. ‘Just trying to understand things.’
I studied him more intently this time as we spoke and noticed that he seemed to have suddenly grown in height, being a good foot taller than me by now. His appearance had also changed and he was now wearing a wet-suit and holding a surf board. Shaking my head slowly in disbelief I spoke to him again.
‘You look different. Are you going somewhere?’
‘Well you could say that,’ he sniggered, ‘I’m off on a little holiday after I’ve given you a third wish.’
‘I don’t understand,’ I spluttered, quite bemused.
‘It’s just my little joke with you. Now what about your second wish then?’
I stood rooted to the spot, my mind whirling with emotions and ideas as I contemplated my next move. Should I wish for fame, success with the fairer sex perhaps or something else? I went through all options from A to Z but in my heart I knew exactly what I wanted. What I always wanted. Money!
‘Money!’ I screamed at him. ‘Give me money’
‘Money?’ he laughed at me. ‘Is that the best you could come up with?’
By now he was glowing in front of me, a green grimacing hulk of a man now bizarrely dressed as a fisherman complete with rod and net. He came closer to me and whispered.
‘You could have anything you want you know. A trip to the moon maybe? Perhaps a different woman every day of the year? Or in your case a decent haircut and all you want is money?’
‘Yes!’ I shouted, my voice now raw and strained, ‘Money’
‘You sure. Want to phone a friend?’
‘Don’t have any! So just give me the dosh. More than I’ve ever had to spend before,’ I danced a jig of delight as I laughed at him, victorious.
‘Well if that’s the way you want to play it, who am I to argue?’ and with that he tapped the fishing rod on the floor causing an envelope to fall from the ceiling, crashing onto the floor at my feet. Hitting the floor it split open, the contents making a small pile around my feet. A very small pile indeed, of only a few notes and some coins.
‘What’s this?’ I yelled at him in rage, my face reddened with anger. ‘You promised me more money than I’ve ever had before.’
‘Well no. What you actually asked for, Shorty, was more money than you’d ever had to spend before. Subtle difference see. And so that’s what you’ve got, seventy five pounds exactly.’
‘But my fortune?’ I blubbered. ‘You cheated me!’
‘Not so,’ he laughed. ‘I read your mind and saw that you’ve always cheated your ‘customers’ out of their possessions. Business you called it. You’ve never paid anyone more than seventy five pounds for anything you ever bought. Now that’s cheating.’
My stomach churned and felt like dropping through the floor as my anger went into overdrive.
‘Why, you no good…’ I never got any further with the words as he suddenly pushed his face up close to mine, his eyes ablaze with fury.
‘Tut tut. Such bad language,’ he laughed, ’you should mind your tongue, and besides it’s exactly what you wished for.’
‘But it’s not what I wanted.’
‘But it’s what you said and thought. It’s what you deserve. Two wishes, two mistakes. Not a good record is it?’
By now my own personal red mist had well and truly descended and I began to rant and rave at him. Bending down quickly I picked up a handful of the coins from the floor and threw them at him hoping to wipe the silly, smug smile from his face. Or rather I should say threw the coins through him as he now appeared to be semi transparent.
‘Just get out of here and leave me alone. If I were ever a genie like you I’d not treat my… ’ I stopped in mid sentence, the words hanging over me as I realised what I’d just said. My feet and legs began to become see through and I started to float slowly above the floor!
‘Oh no! Not that! I didn’t really mean to say that. No please don’t do this to me…!’
He quickly faded completely from view and I’m sure that his last words to me in those final seconds were ‘bye bye sucker’ because, you see, I’d now made my third and biggest mistake.
So if you find my little lamp in some dark corner anytime soon, do dust me down and ask for three wishes from me. I’ll try to help you but do be careful how and what you ask for and please, don’t be greedy.

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